Sticks and Stones: Revisiting Communication In Marriage

Arguable and unknown are the origins of the childhood rhyme, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Children on playgrounds have echoed a variation of that phrase for years, perhaps with the intent to barricade themselves physically and emotionally from the rage of bullies. Though we would like to believe that we are immune to the harm that that sort of communication incurs, it simply isn’t true.

Words are powerful, retaining the ability to hurt upon impact. If we haven’t resolved the lingering pain, the memory itself can revive wounds long after the bruises have faded.

While our words have the power to harm, they also can be repurposed in alignment with God’s original intent: to bring life, heal, and restore to wholeness. When we use our words well, we sometimes see the immediacy of impact, though other times, the benefits blossom as a result of long-term investment.

When words of appreciation are crafted and delivered to admire, uplift, or encourage, we demonstrate the love and action of the Father. Our communication releases light in places where darkness has ruled. The Bible offers sage advice and examples of how to use our words as well as what to avoid. Although these principles are not limited to marriage, they can enhance our relationships and our communication in marriage.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. – Proverbs 15:1, NIV

When we cut our hearts off from our spouses, we dampen our ability to hear, receive, and properly interpret the messages that they send. The pain from relational trauma and lingering wounds also distort the words and nonverbal cues that we convey. This can be problematic, not only concerning our marriagesand the state of our households; but the treatment of our spouse also affects our relationship with God.

Part of the way that we serve Him is expressed in how we regard one another. Mistreating our spouses hinders our prayers (1 Peter 3:7).

In this, God isn’t punishing us. Instead, He is underscoring His expectation. We are to demonstrate the love that He shows for us in all of the places we’re called to serve. Our marriages are not exempt. How can we love our Father who is invisible to us, yet have contempt for the spouse we see and interact with all the time (1 John 4:20)?

Communication in marriage enhances connection.

Communication is a gift. It presents limitless opportunities to creatively use words and gestures to connect deeply, affirming and uplifting our spouses in the ways that the Spirit of Christ edifies us. Through the practice of listening and speaking, we receive and interpret messages as well as dispatch them through the lens of our perspective and experience.

Using our words to speak life, we choose the path that we want our marriages to follow. God has given us numerous promises in His Word, indicating how He would bless us as His people, when we agree with Him to use the power of our words for good.

Convey the love of Christ.

When we use words that harm, we partner with the enemy to steal, kill, or destroy something in our spouses, and in the marriages that God intends to remain vibrantly alive (John 10:10). When considering how we employ words and communication in our marriages, we need to be mindful, considering how we convey the Heart of Christ in our speech.

Sometimes, we diminish the role of friendship and our spouse’s value in marriage. He or she may be one of the people closest to us, but that doesn’t warrant discounting our mate, whether privately or in public. We have to account for our empty words, as God has entrusted us with a responsibility to release words that generate and multiply fruitfulness, replenishing the earth with goodness (Matthew 12:36; Genesis 1:28).

When we speak evil or unkind words, we give the power of words to produceundesirable fruit. Too often, we reserve our pleasant words for strangers. We lavish them freely while starving our partners of the communication that would otherwise build them individually, and as a result, fortify our marriage as well.

While speaking kindly to our spouses seems ideal and almost a natural assumption, another adage underscores humanity’s tendency toward dismissing the ones in closest proximity: “Familiarity breeds contempt.”

Communing with the Holy Spirit for change.

We can’t live in a thriving relationship with the Holy Spirit when our earthly connections remain permanently out of joint. Our love for God is not only demonstrated in a direct relationship but also exemplified through our fellowship with others (Matthew 22:37-40).

When our own love bank is depleted, our emptiness is exposed through irritability, insults, and ignorance. Negative communication patterns tend to reveal how unaware we are concerning the expanse of the Father’s immeasurable love. We may not realize it, but leaving a gap in our love walk allows space for the enemy to gain a foothold in our hearts, inserting himself into our marriage and household.

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. – Ephesians 4:26

Despite the challenges we may experience within our union, our partners are still sons and daughters, made in the Father’s Image. We need to regard them as such. The Lord, however, can help us to revive and realign with His intent and His vision for our mate and our marriage.

Communing with the Holy Spirit is an important step in making pivotal changes that usher revival fire into our hearts. The Holy Spirit will purify our motives and baptize us again in the love of Jesus that makes all things new, beginning with our hearts and the words that flow from them (Matthew 12:34-40).

Choose words wisely.

We may be so desensitized to certain words or tones of voice that we no longer realize are negatively affecting our loved ones. When stating our needs in a way that is antagonistic, aggressive, or assuming the worst of our spouse, we break down opportunities for communication. Rudeness, insensitivity, and impulsivity shut down the channels of exchange.

Even if we think that our spouse “should” understand or know us better than our present behavior, we need to change the words and tone that leverage a destructive impact that lingers past the moment.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. – James 1:19, NIV

We have a responsibility to choose words wisely. The quality of our communication can shift our marriage onto a path for healing or along a trajectory toward demise.

Recognizing how our communication patterns are affecting our spouse is critical. When the Holy Spirit convicts and brings awareness to our minds, we need to repent and return, requesting His guidance for seasoning our words. Asking for our spouse’s forgiveness, being specific and intentionally responsive in areas we need to change, can serve to make initial repairs to what has been damaged.

Your speech must always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person. – Colossians 4:6, NASB

Next steps in communication in marriage.

Wherever you and your spouse are, it is possible to come to a place where you are choosing to war for your marriage instead of against one another. That may not be clear until you invite the Holy Spirit to reset your perspective through the lens of His Word.

As you search the Scripture and the secret place of your own heart, consider contacting a counselor on this site. Schedule and meet with a professional, so you can learn how to lay aside the sticks and the stones that batter; and begin using your words to heal yourself, your spouse, and your marriage.