Overcoming Resentment in Relationships

You are dating someone you love and enjoy a relationship characterized by love and respect. Implicitly or explicitly, you have expressed the desire to marry someday. But there is something (or even several things for that matter) that bugs you and fosters resentment in relationships. So much so that you wonder if you are seeing a red flag waving in the distance.

You are married to a loving partner. You have been through many difficulties, but some issues are not going away, and in fact, they rear their nasty heads every time you disagree about something. It starts small, but the conflict grows and suddenly you are both overcome with rage and emotional outbursts that break down your precious relationship.

You do not know how to approach those issues in a way that will resolve them. It may be that you do not know one another well enough yet and it is still early in your relationship, or you feel that the subjects are just too sensitive to confront and perhaps you fear the consequences of them being aired out between you.

How to overcome resentment in relationships is a relevant question for many couples and seeks to find tools and techniques to equip you both. It is often quite helpful to speak to a trained counselor about how to best overcome challenges in a relationship. You do not have to wait for the level of resentment to build up and calcify before ironing out relationship creases. Prevention is usually a better option than a cure.

How we can act in ways that build resentment in relationships

Anger is a common emotion. It can make itself known in any relationship in a variety of ways despite not being directly addressed to the person who provoked it. As we know, anger can easily flare up, but the bare fact that the feeling is intense should never fool us into automatically thinking that it is righteous, or that expressing it in an uncontrolled manner is okay.

Both are damaging to everyone involved. Fortunately, repenting of unrighteous anger and managing righteous anger can build intimacy and maturity in your relationship.

Do any of these angry responses look familiar?

Closing yourself off from your partner

We know it as the silent treatment. The person walks away. The door closes. The car reverses out of the driveway. The headphones get put on.

Silence can help to calm you down, but it should never last long. It will often provoke your partner further, increasing their anger or anxiety. Perhaps neither of you can rationally address the issue at hand when angry, but next time agree to some alone time to calm down and order your thoughts. Agree that it is important to resolve the issue, and set a time that you will come back together after thinking about it.

If you’re on the receiving end of being cut off by your partner because of something you do or have done – perhaps forgotten an event like an anniversary – then you know what it is like to be confused by their reaction or worried that they will escalate the situation. While you cannot make your partner speak with you, you can let them know you are ready to share your thoughts and work toward a solution. Trying to force a reconciliation when they are not ready may push them further away.

Trying to manage your partner

There are a few things in life you can control, and your thoughts, behaviors, and actions are some of them. So, when someone we love is angry with us, instead of reacting by trying to make peace as soon as possible – work on yourself. When you concentrate on calming your own anger and anxiety you give the other person the space to do the same. In the moment, step back, take some deep breaths, settle your thinking, and slow down.

When you get angry with the person you love and desperately want them to change a particular behavior, controlling them will not give you what you want. In those situations, you likely want to share your thoughts with them so that you will be heard. Not so that they will be shamed.

If we come at our partners in a way that triggers their flight-or-fight response, they will not be in a place to carefully consider your point of view. The golden rule so often comes into play in life: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” And even if this feels impossible at the moment, remember that being rude, brash, abusive, and manipulative will simply make things worse and not achieve what you hope.

Creating a triangle

Do you sometimes feel the urgent need to complain to a friend about your partner? Because expressing your fury or annoyance can feel therapeutic, we sometimes do use another person to help us manage our stress. We vent, and it is perfectly normal. But sometimes this method prevents us from working out the issue with our partner and can make them feel defensive or isolated.

A useful question to ask yourself in moments when you want to vent is to understand whether you want help or if you want someone to agree with you. If you simply want sympathy, then take a deep breath and consider whether receiving it from your partner would perhaps be the most helpful outcome. How can you go about achieving this?

What is too tight to mention?

Issues, such as money, sex, or family drama can spark an angry or anxious reaction, and these often lead to conflict. It is often not the topic or difference of opinion, but our reactions to these topics that get in the way.

One way to respond is to ask what you should be doing right now. Should you be letting your emotions ride roughshod over both yourself and the people you care about with rage and manipulative behavior? The answer is no, of course.

Indeed, we sometimes feel overwhelmed. We are passionate about the person we love. This passion does not have to add rocket fuel to the tinderbox of sensitive topics. Take a deep breath to settle your heart rate, take a moment to pause and engage your cognitive side, and remember who you are.

As you become calmer and more mature, your relationship will reflect the same. After all, you are half of the relationship. When one person can make a mature choice for themselves in situations like these, they are likely to find that their partner can do the same. At times when one or both of you are struggling to do this, why not consider finding out how joint counseling to equip you and your relationship with the tools required for long-term success?

Overcoming resentment in relationships is a journey for both people involved. While it will certainly help for one person to have a calm, measured response and model forgiveness and emotionally mature processing of issues too tight to mention, it only becomes sustainable when you both step up to the plate together to recognize the impact that resentment is having on your relationship – and deal with it in a way that makes both of you proud.

The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out. – Proverbs 20:5, NIV

Discussing with a trained therapist how best to build a relationship of trust and respect is a proper and useful way to overcome resentment in relationships. What have you got to lose? Please browse our online counselor directory or contact our office to schedule an appointment. We would be honored to walk with you toward a place of healing and hope.