What Does Adultery Mean and How Does it Affect You?

There is no hurt quite like the hurt the people closest to you can inflict. The people closest to you are the ones you trust, the ones you can be most vulnerable with. The thing about being vulnerable with someone is that they know more about you and your weaknesses. During an argument, for instance, a loved one can deliver a low blow that a stranger couldn’t because they simply don’t know you that well. This is what makes adultery so painful.

In a marriage or a committed romantic relationship, the people in that relationship set certain boundaries for their relationship. One of those boundaries is sexual exclusivity, meaning that they are committed to only having sexual relations with one another. While they might share their time, thoughts, and feelings with other people, they decide that they will not share their bodies with anyone else.

When this boundary is tinkered with or broken, it can undermine the foundation of the relationship. While infidelity or adultery is one of the leading reasons why people end their marriages or committed relationships, the relationship doesn’t necessarily have to end. With work from both parties and with the help of a couples counselor, a couple can address the issues in their relationship and rebuild their relationship on stronger foundations.

What does adultery mean?

People typically use the term “adultery” to refer to when a married person has sex with someone other than their spouse. Men and women alike commit adultery, with some research indicating that 20-25 percent of married men and 10-15 percent of married women are unfaithful to their spouses.

“Adultery” can also refer to a host of other activities that are adjacent to sexual and other forms of intimacy. A couple might decide that sharing certain emotions and thoughts with another person or doing so in the context of a secretive relationship constitutes adultery and the breach of their unique relationship.

From a Christian point of view, the idea of adultery gains added force from the fact that marriage is supposed to be a picture of the relationship between God and His people (Ephesians 5:32). God is faithful to His people, and He calls His people to be faithful to Him, to avoid giving themselves and their allegiance to others.

A marriage is supposed to reflect that faithfulness, and adultery in a marriage is the mirror image of what the Bible refers to as spiritual adultery or being unfaithful to God.

Adultery thus has multiple dimensions; it’s about breaking trust with one’s partner, but it’s about unfaithfulness to God, too. When trust is broken, that hurts others immensely. It makes the primary committed relationship emotionally unsafe, and it’s difficult to reestablish connection once trust is broken.

How it affects a person

Adultery can bring grief into a person’s life. It can be difficult to witness the devastation it causes to others and to see how it damages relationships. Infidelity is associated with anxiety, depression, and even PTSD, for the person who has the affair, as well as for the other spouse.

In addition, for the spouse who’s been cheated on, adultery can also bring low self-esteem, feeling deeply insecure, feelings of inadequacy, or feeling rejected. It can damage the marriage relationship irreparably, including one’s relationship with their children and family members who may feel betrayed in their own way by the cheating spouse.

Addressing the negative impact of adultery

The pain of adultery can heal over time, but there is no set time for when this happens for every individual. Healing requires taking time to self-reflect, considering forgiveness, and taking active steps to rebuild trust in the relationship. For the spouse that’s been betrayed, they can give themselves space to grieve the emotional upheaval they’ve experienced, as well as grieve the loss of trust in the relationship.

Rebuilding the relationship requires both parties to communicate openly, and to be honest with one another. Discussing the infidelity of a spouse and how it has affected the relationship will help in processing what has happened, but this must be done without being judgmental or defensive. Whether you committed adultery, or you’re the one that has been betrayed, there is room to work on things and to heal.

A professional counselor at Santa Clarita Christian Counseling can help to create a safe space in which those discussions can happen. Your counselor can help you address the root issues that led to the affair, and you can build a better and stronger marriage.

Your counselor in Santa Clarita can help you reconnect and have deeper intimacy, set good boundaries, and promote accountability in the relationship. They can also help you develop tools to cope well with conflict and to communicate meaningfully with one another. Contact us today at Santa Clarita Christian Counseling to schedule your initial appointment.