Differences Between Healthy and Toxic Couples

Key characteristics of a healthy relationship are mutual respect, trust, honesty, empathy, support, and the ability to give and take. Both partners feel safe expressing their thoughts, feelings, and needs to one another and do it openly and honestly to avoid miscommunications. When they disagree, they try to understand the other partner’s perspective, and either agree to disagree or work it out together in a mutually satisfactory way. Not so with toxic couples.

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option. – Maya Angelou

A toxic relationship, on the other hand, is built on conflict, competition, and one partner’s need to control the other to get his or her needs met. The other partner feels unsupported, judged, demeaned, misunderstood, and/or attacked, and his or her physical, mental, or emotional well-being is consistently threatened in some way.

Characteristics of toxic couples

Toxic couples relate to each other in dysfunctional ways. In most cases, it is one partner trying to control the other. Regardless of the dynamic, however, one common thread appears to be that most toxic couples are intensely drawn to each other despite the pain they inflict on one another.

Common characteristics of toxic couples include:

Control

One partner makes all the decisions and forces his or her will and viewpoint on the other, telling him or her what to do. He or she is unreasonably jealous of their partner, and constantly suspicious and mistrustful of them even when he or she has never given them any cause to be. They may want to track their location and who they are with at all times and try to isolate him or her from friends and family.

Emotional abuse

One partner uses guilt, shaming, rage, silent treatment, stonewalling, and/or intimidation to manipulate and control aspects of the other partner’s life and get them to do what he or she wants.

Hostility

One partner is constantly tearing the other down and picking fights with them. When something goes wrong it is always his or her fault. The other partner does not feel safe opening up to him or her and is always walking on eggshells, trying to change his or her behavior, and doing anything he or she can to avoid triggering an explosion.

Dishonesty

One partner lies to the other, cheats, keeps information from him or her, denies issues, and/or resorts to gaslighting to try to get them to feel off balance and undermine his or her sanity and reality.

Disrespect

One partner violates the other’s boundaries, disrespects his or her goals, beliefs, and/or interests, embarrasses him or her in front of others, and is constantly belittling him or her.

Dependence

One partner feels he or she cannot live without the other, sacrifices his or her needs to meet those of their partner, and compromises his or her values and identity for fear of a breakup.

Reasons toxic couples stay together

There are many reasons toxic couples may choose to stay together. Some of the more common ones include fear of being alone and having to face life without a partner, fear of the unknown, a willingness to tolerate the bad because there is also some good in the relationship and they don’t want to give up the history they have built together or the feeling of familiarity. Practical considerations such as financial dependency, shared assets, housing, and/or children may also influence the choice.

How to avoid a toxic relationship

The best way to avoid a toxic relationship is to recognize the early warning signs (such as lack of respect or controlling behavior), establish strong boundaries, prioritize open and honest communication with potential partners, and trust your instincts if something seems off.

Can counseling heal the relationships of toxic couples?

A toxic relationship can become a healthy one if both partners are willing and committed to put in the effort, lay down their defenses, acknowledge and take responsibility for their part, shift from blaming to trying to understand each other’s perspectives, and be willing to seek counseling together.

A trained mental health professional can help toxic couples understand what has gone wrong and why, pinpoint unhealthy dynamics in the relationship, and teach them how to set boundaries, learn how to be empathetic, communicate more effectively, and resolve conflict in healthy ways.

If you would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based couples counselors in Santa Clarita, please don’t hesitate to give us a call at Santa Clarita Christian Counseling.