Embracing Being Single in a Couple-Up Culture

It seems there is nowhere safe to turn if you want to remain happily single without constant reminders or encouragement to be coupled up. Whether in our entertainment such as TV shows, on social media, or among one’s loved ones, being single comes up as something to move past, grow out of, or escape.

Romantic relationships are great, in their own way, so it’s understandable why people who love you would want that happiness for you. However, if you’re not in the space for it, those overtures can become overwhelming.

On the other side of it, you might be single and eager to get coupled up. In that case, the reminders of your singleness can also become grating, but out of frustration of a desired goal.

It is, however, possible to embrace the season of singleness that you’re in, for however long you’re in it. Being single and opting out of romantic relationships is not an inferior way of being, and a deeper appreciation of singleness can help you toward deeper contentment.

Understanding singleness in the 21^st century.

Being ‘single’ means a variety of things for people in our context. It could mean that they have no romantic prospects that they’re currently exploring. However, it could mean that they aren’t in what they consider to be a “serious relationship” or a committed relationship with someone.

This can be confusing, as it leaves a variety of options open, including the various “situationships” that people find themselves in, which include ‘friends with benefits’ or casual hookups.

Singleness in the 21^st century is thus a vast complex of relationships that aren’t official, committed, or serious, as well as not having romantic prospects. You have to ask follow-up questions when someone says that they’re single; that includes questions such as “Are you involved with or seeing someone?”, or “Are you talking with someone at the moment?”

Getting that clarity can help you situate yourself and not get blindsided if you intend to be involved with someone. People are single for a wide variety of reasons, including recent heartbreak, choosing to focus on a career or self-discovery, being uninterested in romantic relationships, and so on.

For a believer, romantic relationships aren’t in the shadowy, grey zone that many unbelieving singles occupy. The call for a believer to be pure and to use their body in a manner pleasing to the Lord means that many of the offerings of 21^st-century dating and single life aren’t viable options (Ephesians 5:1-21; 1 Corinthians 6:12-20).

Sex is good, but it is more than just an appetite to be filled whenever there’s a need; it has an appropriate context in which to be enjoyed, and outside of that can be idolatrous and deepen our brokenness.

And because people are made in God’s image, playing games with people’s hearts or being deceptive or otherwise dishonoring them is also not an option.

The pros and cons of being single.

Being single has its advantages and disadvantages, including some of the following:

• Being single gives you time to focus on developing yourself, your career, your interests, your education, your ministry, your health, and meeting important needs. Sometimes, a person should be single because they use relationships to avoid dealing with their own trauma and issues, or they may have codependent tendencies that they need to address.
• Being single means you’ve got options to explore on the dating scene.
• Less relational stress and financial savings.
• You can be present for others such as loved ones in ways you can’t when you’re involved. When in a relationship, your life and your time aren’t yours to do with without some consideration and consultation with your significant other. When you’re single, you run your own schedule and can give your all to things that coupled-up people can’t (1 Corinthians 7:25-35).

Some of the cons of being single include the loneliness that often accompanies it, a sense of rejection or self-doubt about your attractiveness as a mate, and the peer pressure (sometimes relentless) about your relationship status. If you’re single, you also don’t have someone with whom to share certain costs, and your life and emotional well-being may suffer from a lack of intimacy.

Embracing being single.

Tim Keller wrote a piece entitled “Gospel and Sex” in which he wrote that for the believer, being married or being single is not what matters most. From Paul’s letters such as 1 Corinthians, it’s clear that the early church did not pressure people to marry.

Prior to Christianity, and in many cultures and families today, having a family is looked at as a foundational value. In such spaces, there is no honor without family honor, and there is no lasting significance or legacy without having a family and heirs.

Contrary to this, the Christian faith upholds single adulthood as a viable way of life. That’s because, for believers, their hope and significance are not in family or heirs but in the kingdom of God.

Marriage and singleness can equally be leveraged for the sake of God’s kingdom, and neither state is intrinsically more valuable than the other. Being single has its challenges, but godly wisdom and contentment can help you see the benefits of the single life, as well as help you overcome idolatry that would place supreme value on being in a relationship.

If you’re single and struggling with it, you can talk with someone like a Christian counselor. They can help you unpack your feelings and thoughts about your singleness and explore any unhelpful or unhealthy thoughts about your situation. These unhealthy thoughts can be disrupted and replaced with healthy thoughts and behaviors that can help you embrace your singleness as a gift.